Archive for the ‘guardian of the universe’ Tag

Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe Review

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

In this stunningly baffling film, American Statesman and Wrestler, Jesse Ventura (A man whose voice is so impressively baritone it’s sometimes hard to understand what he’s saying) Stars as Abraxas, A Finder (A kind of cop for the Universe) Who’s latest mission is to track down his old buddy, and former fellow finder, Secundus, and you’re not going to believe what planet he’s hiding out on, forth (according to one character) planet from the sun, Earth!

Abraxas contemplates life on Earth.

The film gets straight into the action, in Abraxas and Secundus’ first shoot-out, they don’t seem to want to kill each other at all, they just walk slowly around some woods blowing up nearby trees in the snow. Understandably, Secundus soon gets bored and walks off, he comes across a human couple in a car, Secundus throws the guy out of the car (who runs off without so much as a glance back at his sweetheart) and Secundus gets in the car, asking ‘Are you a birthing member of the human race?’ In his best Terminator impression.

Finally Abraxas shows up, but immediately gets run over.  The chick runs off but it’s not long before Secundus shows up and uses his alien powers to impregnate her. It turns out his kid will be some kind of evil super child (don’t know why) who possesses the ‘Anti-Life equation’ (also, don’t know what that is) Well, Secundus surrenders himself to Abraxas seeing as how he’s done what he came to Earth to do. Now Abraxas has got to take out the pregnant girl to put a stop to Secundus child. (is this getting complicated? We’re 12 minutes in so far) He can’t bring himself to do it though.

Whatever species Secundus is don’t mess around when it comes to gestation periods, two minutes later, the baby is born, and the woman seems pretty calm about the whole thing as she walks off with her evil half alien spawn. She also gave birth without taking her trousers off, and found a blanket to wrap the baby in.

Sonia and Mutant baby.

Cut to five years later, Tommy (evil future world destroyer) Is growing up to be a pretty normal kid, he doesn’t talk but he’s quite happy, and Secundus has escaped too. Looks like it’s time for Abraxas to get back to Earth. Now, the plot involves Secundus somehow getting this thing called the ‘Anti-Life equation’ off of his kid, and I guess it spells the end of all life, and Abraxas has to stop that from happening.

Tommy: Ender of World.

There’s a short scene here where Tommy’s mother has a meeting with the headmaster of the school played by James Belushi, regarding the fact that Tommy scares other kids.

“Here, when students are not paying attention, pretending they don’t hear me, I like to catch them off guard, I go ARGHHH!!!!!!!!”

This made me laugh out loud and I get the feeling that James Belushi was the only person on the set who knew this was fucking hilarious.

‘AHH!’ – James Belushi

But anyway, back to the main ‘plot’  We’re in the woods now, and Secundus steals a truck from some unlucky campers, Abraxas jumps out of the forest and gets immediately run over again.

Abraxas failing to understand motion a second time.

Secundus gets the address of his kid and then shoots someone off their motorbike, hops on himself and zooms off, it’s at this point, a second biker rides past and, for some reason just falls off his bike, which knocks him out, Abraxas doesn’t get on this second bike though, he just runs off after Secundus, leaving every person whose ever seen this film to wonder why they included that second person falling off his bike.

Secundus strangling a person with such incredible strength, the person’s head eventually explodes.

Before long, the little plot there is descends into meaningless scenes that last about 2 minutes each, Secundus orders breakfast, Secundus visits a strip club (for a reason the writer couldn’t think of) Abraxas tells a bedtime story to Tommy that’s the plot of the film, The police buy some lunch. Abraxas and Tommy’s mother have a kiss. Secundus shoots up a street (no people, he actually shoots the buildings) And we find out Tommy has special powers, (Like when he uses them to push the bully back into a toilet and just as the shot cuts we hear the toilet flush)

‘I’ll be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two next Tuesday’ Abraxas tells Tommy.

Secundus has taken the school hostage and he’s asking for Tommy, everyone calls Tommy ‘The Co-mater’ I think that’s what they call him, it could be Coemader/Comander/Culmator, I have no idea what it means and no one in this film is going to tell me. It turns out, that if Secundus confuses Tommy enough he will blow up. That’s the only explanation we get about that. So we’ll move on.

With things setting on fire for no reason left and right, Tommy tries to escape the factory that they are somehow now in, but Secundus just keeps walking along, confident the lad will come to his senses and just give up eventually. With enough time wasted, Abraxas shows up (he probably ran there if I know Abraxas) Luckily, he doesn’t get hit by a car straight away.

I’ve never seen a whole fight take place in slow motion, interspersed with slower motion shots of more stuff blowing up. The fight only ends when Tommy, using his powers, blows up the building, sending Secundus and Abraxas flying out of the same window. Tommy and his Mother watch silently as Abraxas is forced to climb back inside the window without their help, as they downright refuse to help him for some reason.

Secundus finally meets his end in the most insanely confusing, unexplained, vague ending to anything someone bothered filming. Abraxas uses his ‘Answer Box’ (A sort of alien wrist watch that talks to Abraxas throughout the film) To search to see if Secundus has the Anti-Life equation in him, which, if he hasn’t, will result in something called ‘discorperation’ and the worst explosion ever, it contains a total of nine images played slowly after one another, I’d say it’s the worst animated special effect ever, but I really don’t think it even counts as animation, it’s the worst slide show ever, is what it is.

One of a possible nine stills I could have chosen from the explosion.

Abraxas decides he’s not leaving good old Earth behind, and retires as a Finder to look after Tommy and his Mother. ‘I’m really glad you’re staying’ Says the mother. “Me too” Says Tommy, spouting his first words of the entire film.

I recommend this film to people who like it when it snows, then suddenly stops snowing, then starts again, then repeats indefinitely.
I give this film eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty two out of a possible ten.

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