Archive for the ‘butthorn’ Tag

Bulletproof Review

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Gary Busey is Bulletproof . . . Literally. He doesn’t avoid gunfire like other, less realistic action heroes, he stands there and takes it like a man.

The film starts un-ridiculously enough, a rat crawls across the dark harbor, sax plays in the background, Gary Busey tries to kill his partner for a joke. They have a chat about how Gary Busey is bulletproof and talk about Ice cream.

But enough of that, Gary Busey is bored, Gary Busey wants to lunge at someone. And he’s not going to stop lunging at people until every criminal alive is behind bars or even better, not alive anymore. Why arrest people when you can just shoot them?

Gary Busey contemplating life.

Six minutes in and the madness commences. Danny Trejo is a gangster, he does some deal about guns then Gary Busey calls him a ‘butthorn’, jumps down from the ceiling and kills everyone he knows. While Danny makes his getaway in an ice-cream truck, Gary Busey hops into his car and he’s off too. I’ve never known a car chase to end because the police officer in pursuit threw a hand grenade into the car he’s chasing. But then Gary Busey is quite obviously, hopelessly insane in this movie. He’s so used to getting shot, he doesn’t even bother going to the hospital to remove bullets, he just does it himself in the bathroom mirror when he gets home.

Gary Busey performs home surgery.

Cut to America’s failed invasion of Mexico, some army truck with some big deal on the back of it gets hijacked by local rebels and we can already guess who’s going in to get it back. (I think it’s a Missile or a Tank or something) Also kidnapped by Mexico are some soldiers, one of which, Gary Busey’s ex girlfriend.

5 minutes of slow motion later and Gary Busey’s been shot a few more times. The suits show up at his house, he shoots at one of them for a joke (foolishly forgetting it’s his own door he’s shooting, but no one mentions it, incase he shoots them too) and we find out Gary Busey used to be a real tough guy in the army, and before long, they’ve forced him off to Mexico to get THEIR Tank back. They give him this button that can blow up the tank, but it only works if it’s pressed near the tank. (Didn’t think that through I guess)

A Government fat-cat takes an ashtray to the goolies from Gary Busey.

Before Gary Busey leaves by helicopter, more slow motion, he looks back at his life, like that time he went to the beach and played the saxaphone. In mexico Gary Busey wastes no time and immediately shoots the first people he comes across. It is at this point in the movie that Gary Busey says ‘butthorn’ for a second time.

Gary Busey saying ‘Butthorn’ again.

Gary Busey’s not so great style of guerilla warfare soon gets him in trouble with the Mexican in charge of this whole evil plan. He’s surrounded, he’s got to think quick, he sets the primer for the ‘Make-Tank-Blow-Up’ button, but is knocked out before he can kill himself and everyone around him. It is during this exchange that Gary Busey says ‘butthorn’ for the final time.

Gary Busey saying ‘butthorn’ for the last time.

The Mexicans decide they want to know how bulletproof Gary Busey really is, so he’s going to be executed, he’s tied to a giant kind of wooden wheel and is reunited with his ex briefly and she’s pissed at him for some reason. Guess she got dumped. But it’s pretty obvious she’s still got feelings for him, and cuts a deal, she’ll help the Mexicans work out how to use the Super Tank if Gary Busey isn’t killed.

It’s all a ploy though cause the girl snatched a grenade earlier and pulling the pin, drops it behind Gary Busey, the resulting explosion causes the giant wheel he’s tied to, to roll away down a hill (over a soldier who doesn’t move) and he makes good his escape into the desert!

Gary Busey revolving slowly away to freedom.

He’s not gone for long though, finding a machine gun somewhere in the desert, he returns to save the girl. if Wikipedia had an article about this scene, the words ‘massacre’ and ‘spree killer’ would be in it.

Gary Busey committing war crimes.

Now the Russians have arrived in Mexico, and they want Gary Busey dead too. (They were going to buy the tank) But it’s Gary Busey’s Tank now. The american soldiers have freed themselves too, and make good their escape just as Gary Busey and his tank arrive. Needless to say he destroys the entire town and kills the Mexican general.

Now it’s The Russians turn to try to kill Gary Busey, they have a pretty decent helicopter but Gary Busey’s got his Tank. And Tank trumps Helicopter. He ditches the Tank to save the prisoners and his girl ends up getting grabbed by the Ruski, and yes, Gary Busey shoots him in a rather dull end, to what was otherwise a well thought out, realistic film. The two of them head over back to the civilised side of the border (the girl in the jeep, Gary Busey in his tank) and the credits role.

I recommend this film for people who like seeing Mexicans die.

I give this film Gary Busey out of a possible Gary Busey.