Archive for the ‘Movie Reviews’ Category

Dhoom:2 review

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

Ok, lets get one thing straight first, I know the website is called, but I couldn’t afford a second website called to post this film on.

This film is astonishingly awesome. I think I enjoyed watching this movie more than any other movie I’ve ever seen. This is NOT a bad movie, this is the best action film ever made. I’M SERIOUS. This is going to be a long post, because a LOT of incredible stuff happens in this film.

A thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters with a thousand years, could type away and not come up with one word to accurately describe the stunning brilliance of Dhoom:2. Nothing anyone does in this film is possible. This film doesn’t stop for a second, this film is constantly, ridiculously incredible.

It’s starts with the Queen, yes the Queen of bloody England, on a train, in the middle of a desert transporting the crown, guarded by two people, to somewhere.

Cut to a man, a man who’s jumped out of a helicopter, and landed on the train, the camera zooms across the entire desert to a close up of his face. He steals the crown jewels by dressing up as the queen and walking right in and getting them, then he is on top of the train again, and he pulls off his queen latex mask and throws it over the side, and puts his sunglasses back on.

But the secret service aren’t letting him walk off with the jewels, they climb up onto the roof too and start shooting, which he blocks using his bulletproof sand-board (like a snow-board but for sand) which he then uses like a terrifying giant yo-yo, smacking everyone round the face (and in the balls) with it.

Hrrrng – guard

Have you ever seen a film, that randomly says it’s own name in an echoey cool voice in the background every now and then? Dhoom…dhoom…doom…..

As yet unknown thief defying not only criminal laws, but also Newton’s laws of the Universe, by jumping higher than a train.

Well, that’s the first seven minutes over, wonder what else is going to happen in this film.

Holyshitcrud it’s a musical too.

Imagine if Diehard introduced Hans Gruber by having him do a sort of wobbly dance over the opening titles.. You’ve just Imagined the Introduction to Dhoom:2’s Master of disguise and Arch Criminal Bad guy ‘Mr A’ The smartest and coolest thief alive.

Dhoom 2, immediately making a laughing stock out the villain.

Usually I hate everything, but this film is so likable it’s makes me forget how crap you all are, He’s dancing! HE IS DANCING. Like people do in music videos. (I have no idea what this song is about, I think it’s about Dhoom itself. But I don’t know what Dhoom is.) but who cares!? Dhoom Macharley! Dhoom Macharley!

Ok, after the intro, we’re right back into the insanity. The most cliche bunch of bad people ever to assemble on a boat are standing around, swinging their guns about, looking cool. Then they hear a motor… They all look around like ‘Whaa?’ Then a motorcycle flies (FLIES) out of the trees, across the water, and lands on the boat.


The fella gets off the bike in the slowest of all slow motion, Everyone is understandably so amazed by what is happening they just stand there, but wait, are they amazed? No they’re not, they don’t even mention it. people flying across expanses of water on motorbikes and landing on a boat is considered normal, not even worth mentioning in the world of Dhoom: 2 (Dhoom…dhoom…doom….)

As usual, nothing is anything like what it seems in the world of Dhoom, as this flying bike maniac isn’t just another criminal, he’s Ali, an undercover cop, who unfortunately reveals himself when he drops his ‘policeman id card thing’ Well the criminals don’t like that one bit.

Ali realizes his mistake (Taking undeniable proof you are a police officer to an undercover sting)

About to be shot, Ali says a prayer ‘Please someone save me!’. . . .  And someone does. . .What could top a motorcycle flying through the trees? HOW ABOUT A JET-SKI FLYING UP FROM UNDERWATER?

Fuck science.

It’s Jai! Ali’s partner and Dhoom:2’s Hero! As his jet ski sours CLEAR OVER THE BOAT he shoots the two criminals and lobs the gun to Ali before landing on the other side of the boat and zooming off to shoot at some people on another boat. Then suddenly Jai is riding away from the boat he was just going towards and the boat is blowing up.

Unknown boat blowing up (reason not known)

Suddenly there’s a third boat! As Ali and Jai start murdering whoever these new people are, Jai’s phone rings, Oh no, It’s the missus (She’s preggers and is being a bit of a bitch if I’m honest) Then Ali’s phone rings! It’s some women from the bank who wants to give them both credit cards. They keep shooting until there’s only one bad guy left, then they stand up in slow motion, shoot a few times and that boat blows up too.

Bewilderingly implausible action.

You’re probably wondering how they’re going to get home. They have one motorbike (which is on a boat) and a jet-ski, well I know what I’d do, I’d have one person ride the Jet-ski while the second person just water-skis all the way home.

Jai and Ali are soon teamed up with Sho, a special officer (and old friend of Jai) assigned to hunt down and catch Mr A, who she describes as ‘The smartest and coolest thief in the world.’ They figure out Mr A’s method of selecting his next targets (his crime locations make a massive ‘A’ across the world) and also when (all the numbers of his last crime added up make the date of his next crime) Jai figures that out by jabbing a keyboard a few times and then mumbling about numbers and everyone’s fine with that.

Sho walking down hallway.

Time for the second song! I think this part takes place in Ali’s mind, it’s all about making Sho fall in love with him. Sho and Jai are having a dance and a sing for a while, until Ali comes sliding down a set of stairs in a velvet suit with a rose in his mouth and tries to steal her away.

After the song and dance, we get to see Mr A’s second robbery, and we get to hear another some more ‘Dhoom… dhoom….. doom….’s He’s stealing a big emerald now, and he’s doing it in the most ingenious way ever imagined, he’s not dressing up as the queen this time, he’s dressing up as a statue that’s already in the room. (Still doesn’t explain how he would get in there, just how he would be able to stay in there for long periods of time) He then uses this sort of remote control little black box on wheels to move along the black pattern on the floor which is pretty smart actually, aaand some hologram thing too.

Mr A regretting not bringing a walkman or something.

It’s at this point I’ll mention that, although this is an Indian film, there are many attempts to slip some of the King’s English in there, and most attempts work fine, except for one where an Art Historian is explaining the story behind a necklace and he says ‘She threw it away, and she chucked it so hard, the central piece went missing’ I don’t even say the word ‘chucked’ and I’m scum.

Mr A almost gets away clean, but at the last second Jai realizes an old man Ali bumped into is in fact Mr A, (in disguise) But Mr A really does think of everything, secreting acid from his shoes he melts the sewer lid he’s standing on and disappears into the sewers. But not for long, for Mr A once again defies all known science by exploding out of a nearby sewer, shooting 20 feet into the air, then landing and in-line skating off! (He also had time to change) Ali hops on his magical yellow motorbike and chases after him.

Textbook example of the ‘acid/sewer/rollerblade’ escape technique

He eventually gets away from Ali by climbing up between two double decker buses and jumping up onto a passing bridge, but Ali is the least of his troubles, because now Jai is after him in a helicopter and he’s got a sniper rifle. Firing indiscriminately at a busy highway, we can only assume Jai felt the sacrifice of however many civilians he must have inadvertently killed was worth it. Mr A eventually gets away when he joins some fun-run and jogs right past Ali and away to freedom. The Coolest and smartest EVER.

By now, I’m sure you’ll agree, Mr A, he’s no longer the villain, he’s the third good guy, he’s fucking Mr A. I’m serious now, it takes some impressive writing and directing to make you route for the good guys AND the bad guy, but this film does that. I want them all to win. As Mr A waits for his plane outta there he catches a TV show that claims Mr A has announced the next item he’ll nick, now of course, being Mr A he knows this is in fact not true, and he gives his ticket to some tennis player who needs to fly and heads out to confront this impostor, who, he catches, and it turns out, is yet another ridiculously beautiful indian. DANCE SCENE THREE……ENGAGE!!!

Yeah yeah, the new female thief’s in love with Mr A, we all guessed that. ANYWAY let’s have a basketball match between the two of them (that possibly takes place in one of their minds) Also, Mr A now has long hair and it’s raining inside (In the world of Dhoom 2, even weather does what it wants) They eventually deicide to join forces and Mr A takes the girl on as his partner (but only ’cause he fancies her, I think)

Mr A falling for the oldest trick in the book (boobs)

But, as stated earlier, if you think you can believe anything anyone does or says in the world of Dhoom:2 you’re wrong. Her name’s Sunehri, and she’s no master criminal, she’s working for Jai to get out of serving time herself. Mr A reveals their next target is in Brazil, so everyone flies off there. (It’s also where Sho’s twin sister, Monali lives, much to Ali’s delight)

Sunehri’s training with Mr A begins (He even tells her his real name, which is Aryan) and she’s having a hard time not falling for him and forgetting who’s side she’s actually on. Meanwhile Ali falls in love with Sho’s twin sister and local idiot, Monali. (She’s the female Ali, as Ali says, even her name has ‘Ali’ in it.)

Beware! A fourth song approaches! This one’s sort of a montage, half of it is Ali wooing Monali, and it contains such beautiful and grammatically imaginative lyrics as ‘I feel I won’t breathe no more’ and ‘Excuse me to please’ (which is a line so often repeated in this song, you’d think SOMEONE would mention it doesn’t mean anything) She’s just got to go for it. The other half of the song is Mr A trying to teach Sunehri some manners (all she eats are burgers and all she drinks is coke) He wisely remains silent however, opting not to spout words that while individually do mean things, don’t make a sentence when stuck in front of one another)

Now, Rio De Janero’s a big city, but Mr A still happens to take the seat directly opposite Jai, they get talking about coins without knowing who the other really is, and Mr A gives Jai an old rare coin.

Dhoom 2’s version of the chilling Pacino/De Niro cafe meeting in ‘Heat.’ Only more colourful.

This is another smart scene, because Sunehri phones them both and neither of them know they were talking to the same girl. Sunehri arranges to meet Jai and he heads off, it seems Sunehri is falling in love with Mr Aryan, but goes along with what Jai says for her own freedom.

Mr A reveals to Sunehri that their first job together in to steal the oldest coins in existence, during a massive festival, tomorrow! But soon after Mr A sees Sunehri talking with Jai and realizes Sunehri is a plant, sent by Jai to spy on him.

Well they play a game of Russian Roulette but Mr A didn’t actually load the gun, he forgives her and they fall in love.

A scene hauntingly similar to The Deer Hunter (again, more colourful)

You know how in films people only ever try something once? Well not in this film, once again the police are fooled by Mr A’s third old person costume. Mr A drops a bag full of little robot spiders and makes off with the coins in the panic.

Jai and Ali head over to Mr A’s place to find it deserted and they get a phone call from Sunehri saying she’s leaving with Mr A. So Jai get’s into a helicopter again and chases them along the highway.

Mr A on his motorbike, thinks he’s lost them when he drives into the longest tunnel ever built, well he hasn’t. The Chopper lands and Jai and Ali rides motorbikes out of it, and no one is wearing a helmet. Then for some reason Jai and Ali do wheelies along the road. (might make them go faster?)

Ali showing off unnecessarily.

They finally reach the end of the tunnel and there’s ANOTHER one of those trucks that carry cars, just left there like a jump. Mr A and Sunehri zoom over it and she drops a grenade that blows up a helicopter.

Ali is left to chase after Sunehri, and Jai goes after Mr A. They have a sort of joust on motorbikes, (In one shot they were meters away from each other, then in the next they are zooming towards one another but it takes about a minute for them to reach each other)

Mr A skids away at the last minute and flies off a cliff, he opens a parachute though and glides off.

Jai doesn’t have a parachute, so he just jumps off, and grabs hold of Mr A on the way down. (luckyyyyy!)


Then they have a fight next to a waterfall without moving their legs, they just stand still punching each other. (until Mr A does a somersault cause he got punched so hard.) The fight ends when Ali shows up with Sunehri. Mr A asks Sunehri ‘Can you love someone to take their life?’ which I think means ‘can you love someone enough to take their life?’ It turns out you can, because Sunehri grabs a gun Ali must have forgotten to take off her and shoots him three times. Mr A falls backwards and off the cliff into the water far below, and Mr A dies as he lived. A free thief.

6 months later . . .

We find Sunehri working in a restaurant, she’s gone straight, she seems happy with her new job, and new life, a little too happy perhaps? she walks into the kitchen, and who’s the chef? Mr A. They step out into the restaurant to find it’s suddenly deserted, all except for one person, Jai.

Jai figured that Sunehri would never kill the man she loved, so he let her go, with the intention of following her to Aryan. Jai confronts him about how he’s waited for Mr A’s mark to appear at a crime scene, he says to the world Mr A is dead. and there’s nothing great about putting dead criminals in prison. He let’s them go on running the cafe, because they are in love and really have changed their ways. He pays for his beer with the coin Mr A gave him and walks out, as he’s leaving his phone rings, it’s Ali, calling from his chair on the beach in Rio De Janero beside Monali, saying he misses India, Jai tells him to get back there, because there next case is waiting.

And so ends Dhoom:2, the greatest action movie ever made.

I recommend this film to people who appreciate true brilliance, untouched by rational thinking.

I give this film a new number thats higher than any number that currently exists out of ten

NOTE: Dhoom 3 comes out in 2013.


Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe Review

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

In this stunningly baffling film, American Statesman and Wrestler, Jesse Ventura (A man whose voice is so impressively baritone it’s sometimes hard to understand what he’s saying) Stars as Abraxas, A Finder (A kind of cop for the Universe) Who’s latest mission is to track down his old buddy, and former fellow finder, Secundus, and you’re not going to believe what planet he’s hiding out on, forth (according to one character) planet from the sun, Earth!

Abraxas contemplates life on Earth.

The film gets straight into the action, in Abraxas and Secundus’ first shoot-out, they don’t seem to want to kill each other at all, they just walk slowly around some woods blowing up nearby trees in the snow. Understandably, Secundus soon gets bored and walks off, he comes across a human couple in a car, Secundus throws the guy out of the car (who runs off without so much as a glance back at his sweetheart) and Secundus gets in the car, asking ‘Are you a birthing member of the human race?’ In his best Terminator impression.

Finally Abraxas shows up, but immediately gets run over.  The chick runs off but it’s not long before Secundus shows up and uses his alien powers to impregnate her. It turns out his kid will be some kind of evil super child (don’t know why) who possesses the ‘Anti-Life equation’ (also, don’t know what that is) Well, Secundus surrenders himself to Abraxas seeing as how he’s done what he came to Earth to do. Now Abraxas has got to take out the pregnant girl to put a stop to Secundus child. (is this getting complicated? We’re 12 minutes in so far) He can’t bring himself to do it though.

Whatever species Secundus is don’t mess around when it comes to gestation periods, two minutes later, the baby is born, and the woman seems pretty calm about the whole thing as she walks off with her evil half alien spawn. She also gave birth without taking her trousers off, and found a blanket to wrap the baby in.

Sonia and Mutant baby.

Cut to five years later, Tommy (evil future world destroyer) Is growing up to be a pretty normal kid, he doesn’t talk but he’s quite happy, and Secundus has escaped too. Looks like it’s time for Abraxas to get back to Earth. Now, the plot involves Secundus somehow getting this thing called the ‘Anti-Life equation’ off of his kid, and I guess it spells the end of all life, and Abraxas has to stop that from happening.

Tommy: Ender of World.

There’s a short scene here where Tommy’s mother has a meeting with the headmaster of the school played by James Belushi, regarding the fact that Tommy scares other kids.

“Here, when students are not paying attention, pretending they don’t hear me, I like to catch them off guard, I go ARGHHH!!!!!!!!”

This made me laugh out loud and I get the feeling that James Belushi was the only person on the set who knew this was fucking hilarious.

‘AHH!’ – James Belushi

But anyway, back to the main ‘plot’  We’re in the woods now, and Secundus steals a truck from some unlucky campers, Abraxas jumps out of the forest and gets immediately run over again.

Abraxas failing to understand motion a second time.

Secundus gets the address of his kid and then shoots someone off their motorbike, hops on himself and zooms off, it’s at this point, a second biker rides past and, for some reason just falls off his bike, which knocks him out, Abraxas doesn’t get on this second bike though, he just runs off after Secundus, leaving every person whose ever seen this film to wonder why they included that second person falling off his bike.

Secundus strangling a person with such incredible strength, the person’s head eventually explodes.

Before long, the little plot there is descends into meaningless scenes that last about 2 minutes each, Secundus orders breakfast, Secundus visits a strip club (for a reason the writer couldn’t think of) Abraxas tells a bedtime story to Tommy that’s the plot of the film, The police buy some lunch. Abraxas and Tommy’s mother have a kiss. Secundus shoots up a street (no people, he actually shoots the buildings) And we find out Tommy has special powers, (Like when he uses them to push the bully back into a toilet and just as the shot cuts we hear the toilet flush)

‘I’ll be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two next Tuesday’ Abraxas tells Tommy.

Secundus has taken the school hostage and he’s asking for Tommy, everyone calls Tommy ‘The Co-mater’ I think that’s what they call him, it could be Coemader/Comander/Culmator, I have no idea what it means and no one in this film is going to tell me. It turns out, that if Secundus confuses Tommy enough he will blow up. That’s the only explanation we get about that. So we’ll move on.

With things setting on fire for no reason left and right, Tommy tries to escape the factory that they are somehow now in, but Secundus just keeps walking along, confident the lad will come to his senses and just give up eventually. With enough time wasted, Abraxas shows up (he probably ran there if I know Abraxas) Luckily, he doesn’t get hit by a car straight away.

I’ve never seen a whole fight take place in slow motion, interspersed with slower motion shots of more stuff blowing up. The fight only ends when Tommy, using his powers, blows up the building, sending Secundus and Abraxas flying out of the same window. Tommy and his Mother watch silently as Abraxas is forced to climb back inside the window without their help, as they downright refuse to help him for some reason.

Secundus finally meets his end in the most insanely confusing, unexplained, vague ending to anything someone bothered filming. Abraxas uses his ‘Answer Box’ (A sort of alien wrist watch that talks to Abraxas throughout the film) To search to see if Secundus has the Anti-Life equation in him, which, if he hasn’t, will result in something called ‘discorperation’ and the worst explosion ever, it contains a total of nine images played slowly after one another, I’d say it’s the worst animated special effect ever, but I really don’t think it even counts as animation, it’s the worst slide show ever, is what it is.

One of a possible nine stills I could have chosen from the explosion.

Abraxas decides he’s not leaving good old Earth behind, and retires as a Finder to look after Tommy and his Mother. ‘I’m really glad you’re staying’ Says the mother. “Me too” Says Tommy, spouting his first words of the entire film.

I recommend this film to people who like it when it snows, then suddenly stops snowing, then starts again, then repeats indefinitely.
I give this film eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty two out of a possible ten.

Hot Cars Cold Facts Starring Johnny 5

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012



If anyone ever tells you there is no second sequel to Short Circuit, tell them they’re an idiot from me. Because there is, it’s called Hot Cars Cold Facts, and it’s an informational film about nothing. This short film contains the least information of all films about information, it contains so little useful facts, it made me forget some other useful stuff I used to know.

This movie stars the husk of Johnny 5 (voiced and controlled by other people) who, for some reason, owns a truck, even though he basically is one. And it’s gets stolen because, according to Officer Dave, people don’t break into houses anymore, they steal cars (even mid range ones) which they use in crime sprees,  Officer Dave is the most patient man allowed to carry a firearm ever, he puts up with all of Johnny’s stupid impressions, and his childish attitude. Your truck just got stolen, Johnny, shut up and take this seriously!

Johnny 5 wanders endless empty hallways in the 90s

Officer Dave resisting the urge to shoot Johnny 5

Also Lisa’s new car is stolen too (Lady who lives on the same street as Johnny) Maybe Johnny should move.

Johnny 5 effortlessly reminding us all that robots are soulless.

After learning all about criminals, Johnny and Lisa decide to hit the streets and go find their cars. Lisa explains how easy it is to have your car stolen, and also how easy it is for you to sell a car you’ve stolen, (she even explains it step-by-step, if you’re interested) This film is actually pretty useful, but only to criminals.

They go to lunch and there’s some bizarre skit about Johnny 5 drinking oil or something, I didn’t get it

Waitress not mentioning that Johnny 5 is a robot.

Lisa then explains how easy it is to break into a car, whether you want to use filed down keys, slim jims (?) or just smash the window and hot wire it.

Getting struck by lightning may have had more of an effect on Johnny’s circuits than originally thought, a lot of what he says doesn’t mean anything. He just spouts meaningless crud.

Well, before long, Johnny 5′s truck shows up, disassembled of course. Lisa’s still hasn’t shown up. He decides to invest in some security for his vehicle.

Living in a crime ridden war zone, it’s not long before someone else tries to steal his truck, This scene is basically a rip-off of the scene in the second film when the guys try to break into the factory. Well, some metal hands come out from under the car and the police show up and the punk gets arrested.

Basically don’t have a car is the only way to not have your car stolen. According to Lisa, everyone you’ve ever met wants to steal your car.

The end credits to this short film are disconcertingly long, It can’t have taken that many people to make it. But well I guess it did.

Johnny 5 isn’t voiced by original voice, Tim Blaney, he’s voiced by Russell Turner, who, to be fair doesn’t do a terrible job, he’s not perfect, but you kind of forget it’s not what Johnny sounds like after a while.

Johnny 5 being not gold.

Johnny is suspiciously not plated in gold anymore, which is lucky because the street punks would probably have stolen him if he was, but I guess they didn’t bother, classic metal Number 5 is only worth 11 million dollars after all.

One of the problems I have with this film is that Johnny 5 seems to have forgotten that he himself is an arch criminal, boasting a fair few criminal convictions relating to vehicles, He steals a Nova truck in the first film, crashes Stephanie’s van, destroys her boyfriend’s car, steals a bunch of radios in the second film and uses that little antenna things to mess with Oscar’s car. Frankly, he was a menace.

Well, I don’t know how to complain about the acting of a machine, but it was crap. I find myself wondering who the target audience was for this short film, children who own cars I suppose. There is no information in it, that a baby couldn’t figure out by itself, ‘Don’t give your house keys to strangers’ Lisa tells Johnny at one point. Ok, Lisa.

I recommend this film to criminals in need of pointers.

I give this film Johnny 5 out of 5

Bulletproof Review

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Gary Busey is Bulletproof . . . Literally. He doesn’t avoid gunfire like other, less realistic action heroes, he stands there and takes it like a man.

The film starts un-ridiculously enough, a rat crawls across the dark harbor, sax plays in the background, Gary Busey tries to kill his partner for a joke. They have a chat about how Gary Busey is bulletproof and talk about Ice cream.

But enough of that, Gary Busey is bored, Gary Busey wants to lunge at someone. And he’s not going to stop lunging at people until every criminal alive is behind bars or even better, not alive anymore. Why arrest people when you can just shoot them?

Gary Busey contemplating life.

Six minutes in and the madness commences. Danny Trejo is a gangster, he does some deal about guns then Gary Busey calls him a ‘butthorn’, jumps down from the ceiling and kills everyone he knows. While Danny makes his getaway in an ice-cream truck, Gary Busey hops into his car and he’s off too. I’ve never known a car chase to end because the police officer in pursuit threw a hand grenade into the car he’s chasing. But then Gary Busey is quite obviously, hopelessly insane in this movie. He’s so used to getting shot, he doesn’t even bother going to the hospital to remove bullets, he just does it himself in the bathroom mirror when he gets home.

Gary Busey performs home surgery.

Cut to America’s failed invasion of Mexico, some army truck with some big deal on the back of it gets hijacked by local rebels and we can already guess who’s going in to get it back. (I think it’s a Missile or a Tank or something) Also kidnapped by Mexico are some soldiers, one of which, Gary Busey’s ex girlfriend.

5 minutes of slow motion later and Gary Busey’s been shot a few more times. The suits show up at his house, he shoots at one of them for a joke (foolishly forgetting it’s his own door he’s shooting, but no one mentions it, incase he shoots them too) and we find out Gary Busey used to be a real tough guy in the army, and before long, they’ve forced him off to Mexico to get THEIR Tank back. They give him this button that can blow up the tank, but it only works if it’s pressed near the tank. (Didn’t think that through I guess)

A Government fat-cat takes an ashtray to the goolies from Gary Busey.

Before Gary Busey leaves by helicopter, more slow motion, he looks back at his life, like that time he went to the beach and played the saxaphone. In mexico Gary Busey wastes no time and immediately shoots the first people he comes across. It is at this point in the movie that Gary Busey says ‘butthorn’ for a second time.

Gary Busey saying ‘Butthorn’ again.

Gary Busey’s not so great style of guerilla warfare soon gets him in trouble with the Mexican in charge of this whole evil plan. He’s surrounded, he’s got to think quick, he sets the primer for the ‘Make-Tank-Blow-Up’ button, but is knocked out before he can kill himself and everyone around him. It is during this exchange that Gary Busey says ‘butthorn’ for the final time.

Gary Busey saying ‘butthorn’ for the last time.

The Mexicans decide they want to know how bulletproof Gary Busey really is, so he’s going to be executed, he’s tied to a giant kind of wooden wheel and is reunited with his ex briefly and she’s pissed at him for some reason. Guess she got dumped. But it’s pretty obvious she’s still got feelings for him, and cuts a deal, she’ll help the Mexicans work out how to use the Super Tank if Gary Busey isn’t killed.

It’s all a ploy though cause the girl snatched a grenade earlier and pulling the pin, drops it behind Gary Busey, the resulting explosion causes the giant wheel he’s tied to, to roll away down a hill (over a soldier who doesn’t move) and he makes good his escape into the desert!

Gary Busey revolving slowly away to freedom.

He’s not gone for long though, finding a machine gun somewhere in the desert, he returns to save the girl. if Wikipedia had an article about this scene, the words ‘massacre’ and ‘spree killer’ would be in it.

Gary Busey committing war crimes.

Now the Russians have arrived in Mexico, and they want Gary Busey dead too. (They were going to buy the tank) But it’s Gary Busey’s Tank now. The american soldiers have freed themselves too, and make good their escape just as Gary Busey and his tank arrive. Needless to say he destroys the entire town and kills the Mexican general.

Now it’s The Russians turn to try to kill Gary Busey, they have a pretty decent helicopter but Gary Busey’s got his Tank. And Tank trumps Helicopter. He ditches the Tank to save the prisoners and his girl ends up getting grabbed by the Ruski, and yes, Gary Busey shoots him in a rather dull end, to what was otherwise a well thought out, realistic film. The two of them head over back to the civilised side of the border (the girl in the jeep, Gary Busey in his tank) and the credits role.

I recommend this film for people who like seeing Mexicans die.

I give this film Gary Busey out of a possible Gary Busey.

Robowar Review

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Robowar is the best piece of utter shit I have ever seen. If you’ve never seen any other film, you might think this film has some original ideas. If you HAVE seen any other film though, you’ll find something was stolen from it, and put in this one. If you’ve seen Predator you might see a few ideas have been inspired by that movie too. A few.

The cast of Predator

This film has one of the least accurate VHS covers ever. Literally nothing on the front cover happens in the movie, apparently Eliot Gould is in this too, well unless he played the gibberish speaking ‘robot’ he ain’t in it.

Also, what language is that on the front cover? Those aren’t words. THOSE AREN’T THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

Murphy ‘Killzone’ Black contemplates life.

Reb Brown plays lovable lunatic Murphy ‘killzone’ Black, a leader of a crack team (named so because they’re all on crack) of soldiers known as BAM (Big Ass Motherfuckers) who go on a mission to a jungle somewhere to kill everyone they can, They’re joined by tubby teamster ‘Mascher’ who goes with them into the jungle, for a reason, but he’s not telling anyone about it.

Mascher telling the audience to go fuck ourselves.

BAM shoot at anything that moves (that includes trees) How any of these soldiers didn’t get killed during basic training is anyone’s guess, these guys aren’t soldiers, they’re serial killers. They just go around shooting people. Then they save a girl who doesn’t say anything for the rest of film. With the thousands of bullets fired, it’s not long before the real reason they’ve been sent to wherever they are becomes apparent.

One of the many villages needlessly blown up.

The robot mentioned in the title of the film is little more than a sub-plot, popping round trees to blow up something, talking in a language no one on earth understands, then disappearing again for a while, no one really talks about him when he’s not around. Mascher, it turns out, helped build the robot, it’s got out of control and it’s up to BAM to take it out. Easier said than done though, cause BAM are all idiots.

“It’s pulling me. It’s pulling me away.’ – Papa Doc gives a running commentary on his own death.

But the best, the very best thing about this film (and any other film) is the baffling robotic bullshitary the robot constantly spouts. It never shuts up. I’ve never come across a killer robot that is both terrifying and at the same time, infuriatingly annoying.

‘heblekdghksjgsgsogsdpgojdspgs’ – The Robot

Also, he’s not even a robot, because at the end of the film, it turns out it’s just an as yet unmentioned friend of Murphy’s. Who at the last moment, regains some semblance of his old life (a la robocop face-reveal), and in his own way, asks Murphy to kill him, which he does (and how) in the resulting explosion, Murphy jumps off a waterfall yelling, then meets up with the girl from earlier to have sex, probably.

Now, believe it or not, this film actually had a writer, someone sat down and wrote this out on a piece of paper. and they didn’t realise what a fucking stupid idea this film was. It was written by Rossella Drudi, writer of Troll “And then they’re going to eat me.” 2 (A film that has no Trolls in it) I see she/he puts that clever twist of ‘the title means nothing’ into every film they write.

I recommend this film to aliens considering attacking earth, WE ARE ALL LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THIS MOVIE, SO DON’T TRY ANYTHING.

I give this film unintelligible robot gibberish out of ten.

Neon Maniacs Review

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Who are they? What are they? Where do they come from? Why does water make them melt? What was the goo at the start of the film all about then? Why does the swimming pool fill with blood when the hairy caveman one goes near it? These are the questions you’ll still want to know the answers to at the end of this film.

Chief has a look at the as yet unidentified slime.

There are 12 (according the trailer, I myself couldn’t count ’cause a lot of them looked the same and some were only on screen for a few seconds) Neon Maniacs, and what exactly  makes them ‘neon’? NO ONE KNOWS. They don’t glow in the dark or anything, I know that cause they go to a concert at the end of the film. (don’t worry, they kill everyone)

Ropey and Crossbowey, two of the Neon Maniacs

There are very few things about this movie that aren’t incoherent, nothing makes sense, there are entire scenes that have no point to them, heck, there are entire character’s that have no point.

Donna Locke, wearing her hat at a jaunty angel, signifying she is young and that it is the 80s.

This movie stars Bob Morton from Robocop’s ex wife and Ben Afleck as likable hormonal morons, who, for some reason have attracted the attention of the Neon Maniacs and their individual, yet forgettable characteristics (one’s a samurai, ones a doctor, one’s a native american, ones a fish monster with one eye in the centre of it’s head) And it’s up to the two of them, and some other girl, to save San Francisco!

Natalie and Ben try to think of something to say to each other.

In most cliche horror films the characters are slowly killed off one by one until there’s only one left. Neon Maniacs doesn’t play by the rules, it hangs the rules in a tree and leaves them covered in yellow slime. All the characters are killed in the first 10 minutes (cept Bob’s wife and that loser who delivers groceries but then is suddenly cool and has his own new wave band)

‘Let me ruin your evening’

The best thing about this movie is girl-boy Donna Locke (the other girl) She was only in this film and then never did anything the internet thought was worth remembering ever again, which is a shame because any Vampire who wears converse is OK by me.

Donna Locke enjoying the murder from a safe distance.

If you’re wondering whether this film reaches an acceptable, satisfying conclusion, no of course it doesn’t is the answer. The police chief gets pulled into some light that’s inside the back of an old truck that’s parked under the golden gate bridge. then it ends.

I recommend this film to people who dislike cognitive ideas.

I give this film neon out of 10 because neon.