Archive for July, 2012

Dhoom:2 review

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

Ok, lets get one thing straight first, I know the website is called, but I couldn’t afford a second website called to post this film on.

This film is astonishingly awesome. I think I enjoyed watching this movie more than any other movie I’ve ever seen. This is NOT a bad movie, this is the best action film ever made. I’M SERIOUS. This is going to be a long post, because a LOT of incredible stuff happens in this film.

A thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters with a thousand years, could type away and not come up with one word to accurately describe the stunning brilliance of Dhoom:2. Nothing anyone does in this film is possible. This film doesn’t stop for a second, this film is constantly, ridiculously incredible.

It’s starts with the Queen, yes the Queen of bloody England, on a train, in the middle of a desert transporting the crown, guarded by two people, to somewhere.

Cut to a man, a man who’s jumped out of a helicopter, and landed on the train, the camera zooms across the entire desert to a close up of his face. He steals the crown jewels by dressing up as the queen and walking right in and getting them, then he is on top of the train again, and he pulls off his queen latex mask and throws it over the side, and puts his sunglasses back on.

But the secret service aren’t letting him walk off with the jewels, they climb up onto the roof too and start shooting, which he blocks using his bulletproof sand-board (like a snow-board but for sand) which he then uses like a terrifying giant yo-yo, smacking everyone round the face (and in the balls) with it.

Hrrrng – guard

Have you ever seen a film, that randomly says it’s own name in an echoey cool voice in the background every now and then? Dhoom…dhoom…doom…..

As yet unknown thief defying not only criminal laws, but also Newton’s laws of the Universe, by jumping higher than a train.

Well, that’s the first seven minutes over, wonder what else is going to happen in this film.

Holyshitcrud it’s a musical too.

Imagine if Diehard introduced Hans Gruber by having him do a sort of wobbly dance over the opening titles.. You’ve just Imagined the Introduction to Dhoom:2’s Master of disguise and Arch Criminal Bad guy ‘Mr A’ The smartest and coolest thief alive.

Dhoom 2, immediately making a laughing stock out the villain.

Usually I hate everything, but this film is so likable it’s makes me forget how crap you all are, He’s dancing! HE IS DANCING. Like people do in music videos. (I have no idea what this song is about, I think it’s about Dhoom itself. But I don’t know what Dhoom is.) but who cares!? Dhoom Macharley! Dhoom Macharley!

Ok, after the intro, we’re right back into the insanity. The most cliche bunch of bad people ever to assemble on a boat are standing around, swinging their guns about, looking cool. Then they hear a motor… They all look around like ‘Whaa?’ Then a motorcycle flies (FLIES) out of the trees, across the water, and lands on the boat.


The fella gets off the bike in the slowest of all slow motion, Everyone is understandably so amazed by what is happening they just stand there, but wait, are they amazed? No they’re not, they don’t even mention it. people flying across expanses of water on motorbikes and landing on a boat is considered normal, not even worth mentioning in the world of Dhoom: 2 (Dhoom…dhoom…doom….)

As usual, nothing is anything like what it seems in the world of Dhoom, as this flying bike maniac isn’t just another criminal, he’s Ali, an undercover cop, who unfortunately reveals himself when he drops his ‘policeman id card thing’ Well the criminals don’t like that one bit.

Ali realizes his mistake (Taking undeniable proof you are a police officer to an undercover sting)

About to be shot, Ali says a prayer ‘Please someone save me!’. . . .  And someone does. . .What could top a motorcycle flying through the trees? HOW ABOUT A JET-SKI FLYING UP FROM UNDERWATER?

Fuck science.

It’s Jai! Ali’s partner and Dhoom:2’s Hero! As his jet ski sours CLEAR OVER THE BOAT he shoots the two criminals and lobs the gun to Ali before landing on the other side of the boat and zooming off to shoot at some people on another boat. Then suddenly Jai is riding away from the boat he was just going towards and the boat is blowing up.

Unknown boat blowing up (reason not known)

Suddenly there’s a third boat! As Ali and Jai start murdering whoever these new people are, Jai’s phone rings, Oh no, It’s the missus (She’s preggers and is being a bit of a bitch if I’m honest) Then Ali’s phone rings! It’s some women from the bank who wants to give them both credit cards. They keep shooting until there’s only one bad guy left, then they stand up in slow motion, shoot a few times and that boat blows up too.

Bewilderingly implausible action.

You’re probably wondering how they’re going to get home. They have one motorbike (which is on a boat) and a jet-ski, well I know what I’d do, I’d have one person ride the Jet-ski while the second person just water-skis all the way home.

Jai and Ali are soon teamed up with Sho, a special officer (and old friend of Jai) assigned to hunt down and catch Mr A, who she describes as ‘The smartest and coolest thief in the world.’ They figure out Mr A’s method of selecting his next targets (his crime locations make a massive ‘A’ across the world) and also when (all the numbers of his last crime added up make the date of his next crime) Jai figures that out by jabbing a keyboard a few times and then mumbling about numbers and everyone’s fine with that.

Sho walking down hallway.

Time for the second song! I think this part takes place in Ali’s mind, it’s all about making Sho fall in love with him. Sho and Jai are having a dance and a sing for a while, until Ali comes sliding down a set of stairs in a velvet suit with a rose in his mouth and tries to steal her away.

After the song and dance, we get to see Mr A’s second robbery, and we get to hear another some more ‘Dhoom… dhoom….. doom….’s He’s stealing a big emerald now, and he’s doing it in the most ingenious way ever imagined, he’s not dressing up as the queen this time, he’s dressing up as a statue that’s already in the room. (Still doesn’t explain how he would get in there, just how he would be able to stay in there for long periods of time) He then uses this sort of remote control little black box on wheels to move along the black pattern on the floor which is pretty smart actually, aaand some hologram thing too.

Mr A regretting not bringing a walkman or something.

It’s at this point I’ll mention that, although this is an Indian film, there are many attempts to slip some of the King’s English in there, and most attempts work fine, except for one where an Art Historian is explaining the story behind a necklace and he says ‘She threw it away, and she chucked it so hard, the central piece went missing’ I don’t even say the word ‘chucked’ and I’m scum.

Mr A almost gets away clean, but at the last second Jai realizes an old man Ali bumped into is in fact Mr A, (in disguise) But Mr A really does think of everything, secreting acid from his shoes he melts the sewer lid he’s standing on and disappears into the sewers. But not for long, for Mr A once again defies all known science by exploding out of a nearby sewer, shooting 20 feet into the air, then landing and in-line skating off! (He also had time to change) Ali hops on his magical yellow motorbike and chases after him.

Textbook example of the ‘acid/sewer/rollerblade’ escape technique

He eventually gets away from Ali by climbing up between two double decker buses and jumping up onto a passing bridge, but Ali is the least of his troubles, because now Jai is after him in a helicopter and he’s got a sniper rifle. Firing indiscriminately at a busy highway, we can only assume Jai felt the sacrifice of however many civilians he must have inadvertently killed was worth it. Mr A eventually gets away when he joins some fun-run and jogs right past Ali and away to freedom. The Coolest and smartest EVER.

By now, I’m sure you’ll agree, Mr A, he’s no longer the villain, he’s the third good guy, he’s fucking Mr A. I’m serious now, it takes some impressive writing and directing to make you route for the good guys AND the bad guy, but this film does that. I want them all to win. As Mr A waits for his plane outta there he catches a TV show that claims Mr A has announced the next item he’ll nick, now of course, being Mr A he knows this is in fact not true, and he gives his ticket to some tennis player who needs to fly and heads out to confront this impostor, who, he catches, and it turns out, is yet another ridiculously beautiful indian. DANCE SCENE THREE……ENGAGE!!!

Yeah yeah, the new female thief’s in love with Mr A, we all guessed that. ANYWAY let’s have a basketball match between the two of them (that possibly takes place in one of their minds) Also, Mr A now has long hair and it’s raining inside (In the world of Dhoom 2, even weather does what it wants) They eventually deicide to join forces and Mr A takes the girl on as his partner (but only ’cause he fancies her, I think)

Mr A falling for the oldest trick in the book (boobs)

But, as stated earlier, if you think you can believe anything anyone does or says in the world of Dhoom:2 you’re wrong. Her name’s Sunehri, and she’s no master criminal, she’s working for Jai to get out of serving time herself. Mr A reveals their next target is in Brazil, so everyone flies off there. (It’s also where Sho’s twin sister, Monali lives, much to Ali’s delight)

Sunehri’s training with Mr A begins (He even tells her his real name, which is Aryan) and she’s having a hard time not falling for him and forgetting who’s side she’s actually on. Meanwhile Ali falls in love with Sho’s twin sister and local idiot, Monali. (She’s the female Ali, as Ali says, even her name has ‘Ali’ in it.)

Beware! A fourth song approaches! This one’s sort of a montage, half of it is Ali wooing Monali, and it contains such beautiful and grammatically imaginative lyrics as ‘I feel I won’t breathe no more’ and ‘Excuse me to please’ (which is a line so often repeated in this song, you’d think SOMEONE would mention it doesn’t mean anything) She’s just got to go for it. The other half of the song is Mr A trying to teach Sunehri some manners (all she eats are burgers and all she drinks is coke) He wisely remains silent however, opting not to spout words that while individually do mean things, don’t make a sentence when stuck in front of one another)

Now, Rio De Janero’s a big city, but Mr A still happens to take the seat directly opposite Jai, they get talking about coins without knowing who the other really is, and Mr A gives Jai an old rare coin.

Dhoom 2’s version of the chilling Pacino/De Niro cafe meeting in ‘Heat.’ Only more colourful.

This is another smart scene, because Sunehri phones them both and neither of them know they were talking to the same girl. Sunehri arranges to meet Jai and he heads off, it seems Sunehri is falling in love with Mr Aryan, but goes along with what Jai says for her own freedom.

Mr A reveals to Sunehri that their first job together in to steal the oldest coins in existence, during a massive festival, tomorrow! But soon after Mr A sees Sunehri talking with Jai and realizes Sunehri is a plant, sent by Jai to spy on him.

Well they play a game of Russian Roulette but Mr A didn’t actually load the gun, he forgives her and they fall in love.

A scene hauntingly similar to The Deer Hunter (again, more colourful)

You know how in films people only ever try something once? Well not in this film, once again the police are fooled by Mr A’s third old person costume. Mr A drops a bag full of little robot spiders and makes off with the coins in the panic.

Jai and Ali head over to Mr A’s place to find it deserted and they get a phone call from Sunehri saying she’s leaving with Mr A. So Jai get’s into a helicopter again and chases them along the highway.

Mr A on his motorbike, thinks he’s lost them when he drives into the longest tunnel ever built, well he hasn’t. The Chopper lands and Jai and Ali rides motorbikes out of it, and no one is wearing a helmet. Then for some reason Jai and Ali do wheelies along the road. (might make them go faster?)

Ali showing off unnecessarily.

They finally reach the end of the tunnel and there’s ANOTHER one of those trucks that carry cars, just left there like a jump. Mr A and Sunehri zoom over it and she drops a grenade that blows up a helicopter.

Ali is left to chase after Sunehri, and Jai goes after Mr A. They have a sort of joust on motorbikes, (In one shot they were meters away from each other, then in the next they are zooming towards one another but it takes about a minute for them to reach each other)

Mr A skids away at the last minute and flies off a cliff, he opens a parachute though and glides off.

Jai doesn’t have a parachute, so he just jumps off, and grabs hold of Mr A on the way down. (luckyyyyy!)


Then they have a fight next to a waterfall without moving their legs, they just stand still punching each other. (until Mr A does a somersault cause he got punched so hard.) The fight ends when Ali shows up with Sunehri. Mr A asks Sunehri ‘Can you love someone to take their life?’ which I think means ‘can you love someone enough to take their life?’ It turns out you can, because Sunehri grabs a gun Ali must have forgotten to take off her and shoots him three times. Mr A falls backwards and off the cliff into the water far below, and Mr A dies as he lived. A free thief.

6 months later . . .

We find Sunehri working in a restaurant, she’s gone straight, she seems happy with her new job, and new life, a little too happy perhaps? she walks into the kitchen, and who’s the chef? Mr A. They step out into the restaurant to find it’s suddenly deserted, all except for one person, Jai.

Jai figured that Sunehri would never kill the man she loved, so he let her go, with the intention of following her to Aryan. Jai confronts him about how he’s waited for Mr A’s mark to appear at a crime scene, he says to the world Mr A is dead. and there’s nothing great about putting dead criminals in prison. He let’s them go on running the cafe, because they are in love and really have changed their ways. He pays for his beer with the coin Mr A gave him and walks out, as he’s leaving his phone rings, it’s Ali, calling from his chair on the beach in Rio De Janero beside Monali, saying he misses India, Jai tells him to get back there, because there next case is waiting.

And so ends Dhoom:2, the greatest action movie ever made.

I recommend this film to people who appreciate true brilliance, untouched by rational thinking.

I give this film a new number thats higher than any number that currently exists out of ten

NOTE: Dhoom 3 comes out in 2013.