Robowar Review

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Robowar is the best piece of utter shit I have ever seen. If you’ve never seen any other film, you might think this film has some original ideas. If you HAVE seen any other film though, you’ll find something was stolen from it, and put in this one. If you’ve seen Predator you might see a few ideas have been inspired by that movie too. A few.

The cast of Predator

This film has one of the least accurate VHS covers ever. Literally nothing on the front cover happens in the movie, apparently Eliot Gould is in this too, well unless he played the gibberish speaking ‘robot’ he ain’t in it.

Also, what language is that on the front cover? Those aren’t words. THOSE AREN’T THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

Murphy ‘Killzone’ Black contemplates life.

Reb Brown plays lovable lunatic Murphy ‘killzone’ Black, a leader of a crack team (named so because they’re all on crack) of soldiers known as BAM (Big Ass Motherfuckers) who go on a mission to a jungle somewhere to kill everyone they can, They’re joined by tubby teamster ‘Mascher’ who goes with them into the jungle, for a reason, but he’s not telling anyone about it.

Mascher telling the audience to go fuck ourselves.

BAM shoot at anything that moves (that includes trees) How any of these soldiers didn’t get killed during basic training is anyone’s guess, these guys aren’t soldiers, they’re serial killers. They just go around shooting people. Then they save a girl who doesn’t say anything for the rest of film. With the thousands of bullets fired, it’s not long before the real reason they’ve been sent to wherever they are becomes apparent.

One of the many villages needlessly blown up.

The robot mentioned in the title of the film is little more than a sub-plot, popping round trees to blow up something, talking in a language no one on earth understands, then disappearing again for a while, no one really talks about him when he’s not around. Mascher, it turns out, helped build the robot, it’s got out of control and it’s up to BAM to take it out. Easier said than done though, cause BAM are all idiots.

“It’s pulling me. It’s pulling me away.’ – Papa Doc gives a running commentary on his own death.

But the best, the very best thing about this film (and any other film) is the baffling robotic bullshitary the robot constantly spouts. It never shuts up. I’ve never come across a killer robot that is both terrifying and at the same time, infuriatingly annoying.

‘heblekdghksjgsgsogsdpgojdspgs’ – The Robot

Also, he’s not even a robot, because at the end of the film, it turns out it’s just an as yet unmentioned friend of Murphy’s. Who at the last moment, regains some semblance of his old life (a la robocop face-reveal), and in his own way, asks Murphy to kill him, which he does (and how) in the resulting explosion, Murphy jumps off a waterfall yelling, then meets up with the girl from earlier to have sex, probably.

Now, believe it or not, this film actually had a writer, someone sat down and wrote this out on a piece of paper. and they didn’t realise what a fucking stupid idea this film was. It was written by Rossella Drudi, writer of Troll “And then they’re going to eat me.” 2 (A film that has no Trolls in it) I see she/he puts that clever twist of ‘the title means nothing’ into every film they write.

I recommend this film to aliens considering attacking earth, WE ARE ALL LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THIS MOVIE, SO DON’T TRY ANYTHING.

I give this film unintelligible robot gibberish out of ten.

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